Love Isn't Supposed To Feel This Way

Isn’t love supposed to feel good?

Because this doesn’t feel good.

Is there something wrong with me, I am trying so hard to feel love from you!

I’ve made every change you’ve asked me to make.

I’ve changed how I look, how I walk, how I talk, who I hang out with, what I eat, and what I read. I exercise every day and I choose my words carefully before I speak.

I want you to be proud of me and I want you to see my value.

I really am trying so hard to be what you want me to be but when I compare myself to how others look, talk, walk, dress, eat, and read, I know you still think I’m inadequate.

Maybe if you talked nicer to me!

Maybe if you told me you love me more often!

Maybe if you told me I’m just as important, beautiful, talented, creative and successful as those other people you’re always noticing, I might feel better about myself.

What else can I do? I’m desperate to feel loved, nurtured, safe and taken care of.

What else can I do to make you understand that I matter? How do I make you understand that I am enough? Why can’t you notice the special qualities that I have? Why aren’t I good enough for you?

I’m not sure what else I can do; you say you love me but this doesn’t feel like love.

I don’t even think you’re listening to me most of the time. You smile, you put on a good show in front of other people, but when we’re alone, I feel so inadequate, so meaningless, so unimportant.

Do I need to lose weight, get a different job, or change my hairstyle? Would that make you prouder of me? Is that what it’ll take to finally feel like you love me?

I don't know why I bother talking to you, I know you’re not listening, I know nothing is going to change and I know you don’t have any answers for me.

You never have answers for me because these conversations always turn out the same; I’m always begging you to love me but I don't like the way you make me feel. Talking to you never changes anything because you’re only a reflection in my mirror.

Nancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei