When people see my picture beside this star, they often ask me whose star I am posing next to.
The answer is, "It's My Star. My Hollywood star has the name of my first book written in bright gold letters!”
The day I got my star, I was working as a Tour Guide in Hollywood and even though I knew the 5 categories for the stars on the Walk of Fame are (Motion Pictures, Television, Radio, Recording and Live Performance/Theater) I still chose a book title for my star. I chose a book title because at the time, I had just published my first book and this seemed like the perfect way for me to celebrate!
Part of the reason this book is so special to me, is because I wrote it while going through my divorce after 32 years of marriage. Even though at the time of my divorce, I believed my life was over and everything I had worked for had been taken from me, I guess I had a lot that needed saying before my healing could begin.
I was very proud of my dedication and determination to write, finish, and publish the book even though I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. At the time, I didn’t know the first thing about publishing a book. I just knew that I had something inside me that was burning to come out and I allowed it to happen.
Every single time something came up during the writing, editing and publishing stage of my book that I didn’t know how to do, someone or something was put in my path to show me what I needed.
Now, seven years later and having just published my 3rd book, I sometimes look at my first book with the knowledge I have now and I am often tempted to rewrite my first book or withdraw it from publication. But I resist the urge to do that because to me, it’s not about the book! It’s about what the book represents to me…
To me, my first book represents my willingness to FINALLY, for the first time in my life, “SPEAK MY TRUTH!” I can’t remember any time in my life when I was so hurt, so devastated, so ashamed, so paralyzed with fear and so doubtful about who I was as a person and what was going to happen to me, as I was during my divorce.
As I traveled my journey of divorce, I learned I no longer had to be the strongest person in the room, that it was OK to cry in front of strangers and people I know, that it’s OK to ask for help, that it is OK to receive help, that I no longer had to pretend my life was perfect and most of all, my divorce taught me that I matter and that never again did I need to make myself “less than” so someone else could be “more than” because my needs are imperative to my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
I lost everything during my divorce and then, I found myself! This is why I believe that my first book is worthy of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!
No, the city of Hollywood did not extend an invitation for me to have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but there is a vendor located at Hollywood and Highland who offers tourists an opportunity for a "photo shoot" of whatever memory you would like to take home from your Hollywood experience. Because the publication of my first book is a very memorable moment for me; I believe it is “star” worthy!
If you are walking your own journey and experiencing the 3 Stages of Divorce, I encourage you allow whatever is burning inside of you to come out and be known.
As you walk your own journey of divorce, walk it as the warrior that you are because this is truly your own personal hero’s journey in this thing we call “LIFE”.
Nancy Mueller ~ The Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
I have 4 words for you: “You Have The Power”
Keep these 4 words in mind when you’re struggling through the 3 Stages of Divorce.
The 3 Stages of Divorce are:
#1: Thinking About It
#2: Going Through It
#3: Life After Divorce
If you’re struggling during these 3 stages, you have the power to make it easier on yourself and everyone involved while you are on this journey.
10 ways that you are making your divorce harder than it needs to be are:
If you see yourself choosing any of these 10 choices, you are making your divorce harder than it needs to be because these really are a choice that you're making, whether consciously or subconsciously. Here are 3 questions you can ask yourself that will help during your journey:
These 3 questions are the first steps to retraining your mind to understand your beliefs about how “YOU” have the power over the choices you are making in your life.
It doesn't matter if you're thinking about getting divorced, faced with starting the divorce proceedings, in the middle of a divorce or trying to put your divorce behind you - divorce can create a virtual roller coaster of fears, anxieties, and emotions that can leave your life tossed around like a raft at sea. It doesn't matter if you initiated the divorce or your spouse did, it doesn't matter if you are in favor of the divorce or dreading it; bottom line - your life is forever changed.
The good news is, “YOU” have the power to make this change can work in your favor.
Understanding what your beliefs are, around the topic of divorce, can help you understand why you are reacting the way you are. Once you understand where our beliefs come from, you then have the power to continue with that belief or eliminate the belief once you see how it’s holding you back.
You truly do have the power to walk your journey through the 3 Stages of Divorce as an empowered woman. If you are struggling, when do you think would be a good time to stop making it harder than it needs to be?
Nancy Mueller ~ The Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
When I look back over the past 7 years of my life, I find it hard to believe that just 7 years ago, I felt like giving up.
I’m not saying I thought about ending my life, I simply wanted to cease to exist. The pain, guilt, shame and self-judgement was overwhelming and life didn’t seem worth hanging on to.
How is it possible for a woman to get to a point where she thinks so little of herself, that ceasing to exist can seem like the only answer?
Being in my line of work, I kept thinking, “I should know how to feel empowered throughout this journey. I have the tools and the knowledge, so what’s the reason for my physical, emotional and mental pain and anguish?”
I just couldn’t shake it and I was so tired of crying at the littlest things that would come up. I was tired of jumping up from my desk and running to the women’s restroom to hide in the stall while I cried my eyes out and then looking in the mirror and loathing the person who was staring back at me just as much as I loathed walking back out into the office where everyone would see that I had been crying. I felt so weak, and I hate feeling weak, it makes me feel like a victim when I feel weak.
Every single hour was a reminder that, “Divorce Hurts”
I was married for 32 years when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I had been married longer than anything I had ever done in my life and I truly saw it as one of my biggest accomplishments. How could I keep going when my life was falling apart and everything I’d known was changing and falling apart?
The worst part was feeling discarded. Like something no longer needed gets tossed to the side and forgotten forever. I felt invisible and unnecessary, I believed I should find a way to cease to exist.
I am no quitter, of that I am quite sure. Feeling like a victim is unacceptable to me and gradually my self-judgement turned to self-preservation and while my life was falling apart and I lost everything, I found myself!
Here were the 3 Questions that kept me going:
#1: What Belief/Feeling can you let go of at this very minute?
#2: What Belief/Feeling will you let go of at this very minute?
#3: What Belief/Feeling do you need to hold onto for a while longer?
These 3 questions empowered me in a way that I could never have imagined.
Here’s a little secret, “I didn’t really find myself because who I am was inside of me the whole time. What I really found was my brilliance and my light that I had hidden for too many years in an attempt to be who others thought I should be. What I really found was the essence of me! We all have it, our true essence and once we unleash its power, there’s no stopping who we are meant to be.
Once I discovered my true essence and unleashed its power, I then…
~ Quit my corporate job to work my part time coaching business full time
~ Created a successful coaching program that I teach internationally
~ Published 3 Books
~ Became a keynote speaker
~ Started my own radio show
~ Teach and facilitate Mastering Your Beliefs workshops
~ Created my own podcast show
~ Rebuilt my life and my credit after the foreclosure of my home and loss of assets
~ Reevaluated and refined my relationships by eliminating toxic people from my life
~ Discovered who I am as a person instead of who I thought I needed to be
~ Stopped living in fear
Here's the thing, I had no plans about what I would do after my divorce. I believed my life was over and that I was doomed to end up alone, lonely and scared. My plans were to keep working my corporate job, rent a room from someone and resign myself to the fact that I was losing everything I had worked for and who I believed I was.
If you are in one of the 3 Stages of Divorce and thinking about giving up, please remember that every ending creates a new beginning. My life today is full of love and light, I can’t believe I almost gave up!
Nancy Mueller ~ Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
Since the time I first had an awareness of you, I knew I wanted you to love me!
From that moment on I begged you, as though I were waiting for a handout, to see my worth, my value and my willingness to do whatever it takes to be worthy of your love.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and every single time I made a wrong decision, a poor choice or simply had no idea what I was doing; I knew you saw me as a failure and it hurt so much!
How can I explain how much your love means to me? To have someone who sees me for who I truly am, flaws and all, is the best feeling in the world!
I ask you, how could I find value in myself when my own mother couldn’t stand the sight of me? We had so many terrible arguments and confrontations; finally, I got to a point where I just had to stop letting her into my life and I felt so horrible about making that choice. What kind of daughter won’t even talk to her own mother? I have to admit that I really doubted your love when I made that decision.
When I got pregnant the first time and my daughter was born, I had no clue about parenting or being a good mom. I was so scared; because it was important to me to do a good job and be a good mom I really needed your assurance and you always found a way to reassure me I was doing a good job.
Remember that time I quit my job? That was a rough time; my boss was out of control and blaming everyone in the office for her mistakes and I always seemed to be in her line of fire. I came home every night, crying, about how much I hated working there. You always helped me find a way to have the courage to go back the next day and face it all over again. Finally, I decided to quit and I had so many doubts about myself. I know that every time you looked at me you thought I was a quitter. I just couldn’t figure out how to stick it out any longer even though we really counted on that income every week. If I had only known it would all work out so well and lead to a new career that I love so much, it might have been easier for me to be calmer and given you a reason to love me during that transition.
What about the time when I had to face divorce; twice. That was such a low period in my life and I really couldn’t find much to be proud of during that time in my life. Two divorces seemed so wrong. You told me not to jump into a second marriage so soon but I wouldn’t listen. I doubted my ability to live life on my own and being married was what I had known for most of my life. When that second marriage ended, I was so afraid to admit it to you because I really felt the judgement coming from you about the decisions I was making in my life.
Everything I have ever done is because I wanted your love and approval and you have no idea how hard it was for me to admit that I had failed not only once, but twice at being married.
Now that all of those choices are behind me, I marvel that you’ve been able to look past the choices I’ve made and continue to love me!
Finally, no more begging!
I’m grateful to be able to look in the mirror and say, “Thank you for finally loving me!”
Nancy Mueller ~ Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
I had no idea what I was doing; all I knew was that my world was falling apart. I kept asking myself, “why am I the one who has to be responsible for making sure this gets taken care of?”
This was the last thing I wanted in my life; in fact, if I were being truly honest with myself, this is the very thing that I had been running from for 32 years. Well, the running was over, it was time to face the fact that all my running still led me to this exact spot.
I just kept telling myself to take a deep breath and get through this first step. I could think about the next step when I got back to the safety of my car, or better yet, when I got back to the safety of my home.
Home! Just thinking of my home made me want to start crying all over again.
I realized my mantra had become, “just get through this without falling apart or crying in front of people and you’ll be fine.”
My life was over. How could I keep going? I kept thinking, “maybe the world doesn’t need me anymore. Can a person cease to live without really committing suicide?”
I wondered if I could will my life to end so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain any more. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the humiliation, the resentment, the guilt, the shame, the remorse; it was all too much to bear. I kept asking myself, “if it hurts so much, why do I have to go on living with this pain?”
Well-meaning friends, family members and so-called experts kept telling me it would get better. What did they know; they weren’t feeling my pain.
Why couldn’t my life just go back to the way it was? It wasn’t perfect but at least I knew how to make the best of it. I knew how to find ways to avoid what I didn’t want to see or deal with. There was always a way to ignore the truth. But this, this was too much. I was not prepared for this and I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m afraid.” There, I said it. I admitted it. I was afraid. I hate being afraid; it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. People say that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s a load of crap because this time, God gave me too much. I didn’t think I could handle it. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I always thought I was so strong but this time it looked like I had met my Waterloo.
The truth is, we are always stronger than we think we are. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I walked up to the window and said to the clerk, “I’m here to file for divorce.”
Author: Nancy Mueller ~ The Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
Artwork: LaJon Miller ~ Artist