I had no idea what I was doing; all I knew was that my world was falling apart. I kept asking myself, “why am I the one who has to be responsible for making sure this gets taken care of?”
This was the last thing I wanted in my life; in fact, if I were being truly honest with myself, this is the very thing that I had been running from for 32 years. Well, the running was over, it was time to face the fact that all my running still led me to this exact spot.
I just kept telling myself to take a deep breath and get through this first step. I could think about the next step when I got back to the safety of my car, or better yet, when I got back to the safety of my home.
Home! Just thinking of my home made me want to start crying all over again.
I realized my mantra had become, “just get through this without falling apart or crying in front of people and you’ll be fine.”
My life was over. How could I keep going? I kept thinking, “maybe the world doesn’t need me anymore. Can a person cease to live without really committing suicide?”
I wondered if I could will my life to end so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain any more. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the humiliation, the resentment, the guilt, the shame, the remorse; it was all too much to bear. I kept asking myself, “if it hurts so much, why do I have to go on living with this pain?”
Well-meaning friends, family members and so-called experts kept telling me it would get better. What did they know; they weren’t feeling my pain.
Why couldn’t my life just go back to the way it was? It wasn’t perfect but at least I knew how to make the best of it. I knew how to find ways to avoid what I didn’t want to see or deal with. There was always a way to ignore the truth. But this, this was too much. I was not prepared for this and I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m afraid.” There, I said it. I admitted it. I was afraid. I hate being afraid; it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. People say that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s a load of crap because this time, God gave me too much. I didn’t think I could handle it. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I always thought I was so strong but this time it looked like I had met my Waterloo.
The truth is, we are always stronger than we think we are. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I walked up to the window and said to the clerk, “I’m here to file for divorce.”
Author: Nancy Mueller ~ The Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
Artwork: LaJon Miller ~ Artist