I had no idea what I was doing; all I knew was that my world was falling apart. I kept asking myself, “why am I the one who has to be responsible for making sure this gets taken care of?”
This was the last thing I wanted in my life; in fact, if I were being truly honest with myself, this is the very thing that I had been running from for 32 years. Well, the running was over, it was time to face the fact that all my running still led me to this exact spot.
I just kept telling myself to take a deep breath and get through this first step. I could think about the next step when I got back to the safety of my car, or better yet, when I got back to the safety of my home.
Home! Just thinking of my home made me want to start crying all over again.
I realized my mantra had become, “just get through this without falling apart or crying in front of people and you’ll be fine.”
My life was over. How could I keep going? I kept thinking, “maybe the world doesn’t need me anymore. Can a person cease to live without really committing suicide?”
I wondered if I could will my life to end so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain any more. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the humiliation, the resentment, the guilt, the shame, the remorse; it was all too much to bear. I kept asking myself, “if it hurts so much, why do I have to go on living with this pain?”
Well-meaning friends, family members and so-called experts kept telling me it would get better. What did they know; they weren’t feeling my pain.
Why couldn’t my life just go back to the way it was? It wasn’t perfect but at least I knew how to make the best of it. I knew how to find ways to avoid what I didn’t want to see or deal with. There was always a way to ignore the truth. But this, this was too much. I was not prepared for this and I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m afraid.” There, I said it. I admitted it. I was afraid. I hate being afraid; it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. People say that God never gives us more than we can handle. That’s a load of crap because this time, God gave me too much. I didn’t think I could handle it. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I always thought I was so strong but this time it looked like I had met my Waterloo.
The truth is, we are always stronger than we think we are. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I walked up to the window and said to the clerk, “I’m here to file for divorce.”
Author: Nancy Mueller ~ The Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
Artwork: LaJon Miller ~ Artist
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SENSEI: (sen - say) teacher; Sen means "before" and Sei means "born." The literal meaning of the Japanese word is "one who is born before"; thus, the one who is born before you is your teacher. This refers less to chronological age (some of my teachers have been young enough to be my children) than to the teacher's wisdom: In spiritual terms he or she is my elder, and thus my teacher.
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