Since the time I first had an awareness of you, I knew I wanted you to love me!
From that moment on I begged you, as though I were waiting for a handout, to see my worth, my value and my willingness to do whatever it takes to be worthy of your love.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and every single time I made a wrong decision, a poor choice or simply had no idea what I was doing; I knew you saw me as a failure and it hurt so much!
How can I explain how much your love means to me? To have someone who sees me for who I truly am, flaws and all, is the best feeling in the world!
I ask you, how could I find value in myself when my own mother couldn’t stand the sight of me? We had so many terrible arguments and confrontations; finally, I got to a point where I just had to stop letting her into my life and I felt so horrible about making that choice. What kind of daughter won’t even talk to her own mother? I have to admit that I really doubted your love when I made that decision.
When I got pregnant the first time and my daughter was born, I had no clue about parenting or being a good mom. I was so scared; because it was important to me to do a good job and be a good mom I really needed your assurance and you always found a way to reassure me I was doing a good job.
Remember that time I quit my job? That was a rough time; my boss was out of control and blaming everyone in the office for her mistakes and I always seemed to be in her line of fire. I came home every night, crying, about how much I hated working there. You always helped me find a way to have the courage to go back the next day and face it all over again. Finally, I decided to quit and I had so many doubts about myself. I know that every time you looked at me you thought I was a quitter. I just couldn’t figure out how to stick it out any longer even though we really counted on that income every week. If I had only known it would all work out so well and lead to a new career that I love so much, it might have been easier for me to be calmer and given you a reason to love me during that transition.
What about the time when I had to face divorce; twice. That was such a low period in my life and I really couldn’t find much to be proud of during that time in my life. Two divorces seemed so wrong. You told me not to jump into a second marriage so soon but I wouldn’t listen. I doubted my ability to live life on my own and being married was what I had known for most of my life. When that second marriage ended, I was so afraid to admit it to you because I really felt the judgement coming from you about the decisions I was making in my life.
Everything I have ever done is because I wanted your love and approval and you have no idea how hard it was for me to admit that I had failed not only once, but twice at being married.
Now that all of those choices are behind me, I marvel that you’ve been able to look past the choices I’ve made and continue to love me!
Finally, no more begging!
I’m grateful to be able to look in the mirror and say, “Thank you for finally loving me!”
Nancy Mueller ~ Mastering Your Beliefs Sensei
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SENSEI: (sen - say) teacher; Sen means "before" and Sei means "born." The literal meaning of the Japanese word is "one who is born before"; thus, the one who is born before you is your teacher. This refers less to chronological age (some of my teachers have been young enough to be my children) than to the teacher's wisdom: In spiritual terms he or she is my elder, and thus my teacher.
My Mission: to have daily conversations that motivate, inspire and empower myself and others.