 There was a time in my life when I believed I didn't have anything to be grateful for.
This was the same time I believed the things that would make me grateful could never be mine! Anyone who knows anything about the Law of Attraction can see how this flawed belief kept me in a continuous cycle of lack; lack of love, lack of prosperity, lack of self-worth. Lack became my cycle of attraction! As a young wife, the thing I prayed for most was a child; the day came when my prayers were answered, twins were on the way, and then they weren't. So I prayed for another child and that prayer was answered; she was on the way, until she wasn't. When my daughter was born, I was so eternally grateful for this third chance, but at the same time, there were so many things I didn't know how to do and fear of failure would often overtake my thoughts. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear; my desire to be a good mother gave me what I needed to succeed at motherhood. The thing about getting what you ask for is; once you have it, it can be easy to forget how much you wanted it and the gratitude you felt when you received it. It's easy to forget because life has a way of getting us to focus on the absence of something rather than the joy of having it. When we focus on the bills we don't know how we'll pay, the new car we know we'll never be able to afford, the home repairs that seem endless, the arguments with our spouse, the problems with our in-laws, the unbearable co-worker, the unrelenting boss, the vacation we want but can't afford, the romance we yearn for but never receive, and wishing our lives away by waking up every Monday morning and wishing it was Friday because we hate our job, we keep ourselves in a never-ending cycle of the belief that our life can never be more than it is. We dwell on everything we don't have until something we do have is taken away from us. Loss can make us beg and plead to a higher power to give us what we need and want and we don't even stop to realize this very same asking place we were in before we received the thing we just lost. All too often, this becomes the life habit for so many people. They say they have faith in "what could be" but their faith actually lies in what they believe they can't have. When we receive something we've asked for we fear celebrating it because someone has taught us that talking about our prosperity is wrong so we choose not to make a joyful noise. Instead, we see our good fortune as dumb luck and live in fear of losing what we have. We continue to follow the rules that everyone seems to adhere to and hide our light. We hide our light because we fear being "too happy" when we know others are not. We would not choose to give up being healthy so that all the people who are unhealthy will feel more comfortable around us so why do we insist on downplaying our prosperity? We secretly go about wanting more but feeling shameful for wanting it because we are following a misguided belief that wanting more is wrong. Wanting more can only be wrong because we believe it's wrong. When we feel shameful or guilty for wanting more, we are unable to remain in a vibration of receiving and the opposite of receiving is losing. We don't see the habit of experience we are choosing every day because somewhere, someone told us this is the way life is. But what if it isn't? What if you could be more abundant, more prosperous, more joyful, more happy, more excited about life and all it holds? Every ending creates a new beginning, a new opportunity a new possibility unless all of your attention, energy and focus is on whatever is ending. I was blessed with two beautiful daughters and one day they grew up and started their own life. The ending of having them in my home created a new beginning for them to create the prosperity they continue to bring to our family. The divorce that devasted me was an ending that created a beginning to the life I now live. The ending of a job created a beginning for the work I do now. These new beginnings could only arrive as soon as I was willing to let go of what was and be grateful for what "could be". Focusing on what "seemed" to be, only attracted more of what I had. Focusing on what "could be" attracted more of my desires. I am the only one who has the power to create my life experiences; both positive and negative. Being grateful for what I have brings me more of what I desire. Whether I can see it, feeling it, taste it or touch it doesn't matter because I don't know what I don't know and when my desires are flowing to me, I am always blessed with more than what I imagined they would be. This is why I make a joyful noise about what I have, because there was a time in my life when I believed I didn't have anything to be grateful for and the things that would make me grateful could never be mine! I'm happy to let you know I was wrong about this and if you'll give yourself permission to be wrong, you will realize the only place you will find happiness resides within you! Learn to enjoy life instead of only achieving and you will find happiness instead of always looking for it because it resides within you. All you need to do is tap into it and let it expand! Namaste, Sensei Nancy Mueller ~ Founder at Mastering Your Beliefs Sen T
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 When I was about 7 years old, I had just returned home from visiting a friend and was excited to show my dad the dance I had just learned. In my excitement, I asked him to watch me dance the Irish jig and I remember feeling so proud of myself as I eagerly awaited his praise.
When I finished, I looked at him expectantly and he said, "do you think just because you practice something for a couple hours it makes you good enough to show it to others?" At that moment, my child-self created a belief that no matter how much I thought I knew, I would never be good enough to teach what I know. As an adult, my inner-child held on to that belief for years, creating self-doubt and bouts of "impostor syndrome" whenever I was asked a question. Every one of us has the power to heal our inner-child and stop believing we must continue to be who someone else taught us we are! When our child-self creates a belief based on a negative experience, the feelings and emotions associated with that belief stay with us and because we FEEL it so strongly, our adult-self will continue to attract experiences to justify the feeling. When we are able to master the belief, we release the feelings and emotions from our body and stop attracting unwanted experiences into our life. Once I was able to master my belief about teaching others, my passion for teaching became my vocation for my life's work. Every one of us can be, do or have whatever we desire if we are open to letting go of the negative experiences from our childhood that our adult-self is still holding on to. Every person has the ability to master any belief that is creating struggle in their adult life experiences. There are no accidents in the Universe, if you attracted this message, you are being shown an answer to the questions you've been asking. The next question is, are you ready to let go of your limiting belief? Namaste, Sensei Nancy Mueller at MasteringYourBeliefs.com M  It was a morning in October of 1971; I woke up and realized we were late for school and my mother was still sleeping in her bed. Because it was not like my mother to sleep in, my inner-child care-giver mode kicked in and I tried to shake her awake while letting her know we were late for school.
She rolled over and told me to go back to my room. Thinking she wasn't grasping the situation, I was trying to tell her to get out of bed when she said, "trust me, go back to bed, I'll explain everything to you later." Several hours later, mom gathered me and my four siblings in the living room and told us our dad had left us. He had quit his job and left town with his secretary and then she took us to school. I could not wrap my head around what had happened and couldn't understand how we were expected to go to school as if nothing had happened. When I got home from school, I walked up the driveway to find my mother's wedding gown, wedding pictures and pictures of my dad in the trash can. In 1971 the stigma of coming from a broken home was truly something to be ashamed of. It took years for me to heal the feelings and beliefs of shame, guilt, degradation, humiliation, and abandonment. Looking back, my rational, adult-mind used to wonder why his abandonment of our family didn't bring us happiness. Why hadn't we thrown a party and danced every happy dance we knew now that he was out of our lives? After all, now that he was gone, I would be free from the mental, verbal and physical abuse that had escalated to sexual abuse by the time I was 12 years old. But that's not how my child-self saw our situation. I did not have the "knowing" at that time that I had created beliefs from being mentally, physically, verbally and sexually abused and then abandoned, that this is who I am. In the 1970's there was no internet, and yet the Universe has always been there, guiding me, watching over me and showing me The Way! I don't know how or where I found it but I came across a message called "Don't Quit". I remember writing it down and sending the message in a letter to my dad. I wanted him to know that I thought quitting our family was not acceptable. And now, 50+ years later, I am still sharing this message with others. At some point I learned the value of this message was not to admonish someone else in judgment of their choices but for me to remind myself to never quit believing in my value, my self-worth and my dreams. And now, I'm sharing this message with you to encourage you to never give up on yourself: Don't Quit When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, when the road you’re trudging seems uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don’t give up though the pace seems slow You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victors cup, And he learned too late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit Its when things seem worst that you must not quit. -Anonymous- Sending you love and light and reminding you that everything you dream of having can be yours, Nancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei  As children we often want to fit in with our peers, we want to belong and feel part of the group. No one likes feeling like an outsider. Childhood is full of opportunities and experiences that teach us how to fit in or how to deal with not fitting in. Whether we fit in or don't fit in, each experience is attached to a feeling and emotion that creates our beliefs about who we are.
We hold onto these beliefs throughout childhood and our adult-self uses these beliefs for every choice you make. Beliefs your child-self created that often go hand and hand with our adult-self not fitting in can include seeing yourself as a third wheel, you're often left out, you don't belong, there must be something wrong with you, you're odd, better to remain in the background and not draw too much attention to yourself, not speaking up for yourself, feeling uncomfortable in social situations, difficulty making friends, you're not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough, educated enough; the list is endless. When your adult-self is trying to "fit in" it's often because you haven't yet learned who you are and the value of being you. When you know who you are, you set standards and boundaries you are unwilling to allow others to undermine. You are mindful of your time because you know if you don't manage your time, others will manage it for you. You say what's on your mind because you know your suggestions have merit but you are also open-minded to what others think and say. You understand that every healthy relationship is reciprocal and you deserve to be heard, seen and valued. Understanding that your inner child is still very much a part of you, if he or she is still holding on to those feelings and beliefs about what it felt like not to fit in you may find yourself going out of your way to give more than you have to give. You may allow others to dictate how you spend your time (this often shows up when you feel obligated to volunteer for something) or you become an "over-giver" giving to others and not having enough to fill your own wants and needs. You spend more than you can easily afford to keep up with friends and neighbors which then wreaks havoc on your financial status. You spend time and money at the gym or on products that promise to defy the aging process. You join in on the local gossip about another person or event because you desperately want others to know you are knowledgeable with what's going on in the world, your town, your neighborhood or your family. What if you simply stop trying to fit in? What kind of peace of mind would you be able to enjoy if you weren't constantly trying to be everything for everyone else and started being everything you need for you? Would you have more time for yourself and the people who are most important to you? Would you feel less obligated to show up the way others expect you to show up? Can you do that? Or is your inner child still holding on to those feelings and beliefs about the importance of fitting in? Have you been trying to fit in for so long that you don't know what true freedom feels like just to be you? Do you want to be able to share your dreams, thoughts and hopes without feeling judged by others? What would your life be like without being shackled to the demands of others? You have the power to change your present day experiences when you learn to let go of past experiences that are still demanding your time, energy and focus. Letting go does not mean giving up; letting go means giving yourself the freedom to show yourself and others who you are and what you're capable of. All this can be yours when you stop trying to fit in! Nancy Mueller Life Sensei  The idea for this blog came to me while I was in the attic, literally, I was in the attic.
My aunt and uncle had both passed away, the job of clearing out years of memories had been left to my cousins, and one day I found myself reminiscing with them in the attic of their parent’s home. As we sorted through sixty years of boxes filled with clothes, documents and outdated appliances, I realized the three of us hadn't been together since I was 8 years old and I couldn't help but notice how much had changed for me since the last time we were together. As a young girl, I always felt like an outsider when I was around my cousins because I believed they had a perfect life. Their family seemed full of love, kindness, happy times and togetherness while my childhood was filled with abuse, trauma and the secrets my siblings and I were forced to keep about what went on in our home. Because of those secrets, I grew up feeling inferior to my cousins, aunts and uncles. I was a young girl the last time I’d been in that house, and I was enjoying the opportunity to laugh and talk about the fun times we shared together in that house like the “secret passage” that connected my cousin's closet to the closet in my aunt and uncle’s bedroom and how we used to go between the bedrooms without the knowledge of our parents (or at least we believed they didn’t know)! Rarely do childhood memories turn out the way we remember them, especially when we get the opportunity to visit them as our adult self. I remember feeling a twinge of disappointment when I discovered that our secret passage was less of a secret passage and more like an unfinished wall. As we sat together in the attic, going through what felt like the millionth box, I opened a box that was full of letters, documents, birth certificates, cards, and newspaper clippings. It was all there, pieces of documented family history that revealed the lives of our family members in ways the three of us had never heard before. Proof of births, deaths, affairs, illegitimate children and even manslaughter. This information was not part of any childhood memory the three of us had ever heard of before that day. As we sat there, dumbfounded, trying to make sense of the written and documented proof we were holding in our hands, all we could do was stare at each other! The truth of what we'd just learned hit me like a bolt of lightning and I blurted out, "Wow, this is proof that I was never inferior to the rest of you because you had awful secrets just like me. The only difference is, you didn't know about them until now! I should write a book about this and title it Secrets in the Attic." My cousin replied, “no one would ever believe it, you’d have to write it as a book of fiction because no one is going to believe this stuff!” By the time we left the house that day, our eyes had been opened to the fact that most of what we thought we’d known about our parents, family members and even who we'd been taught we are, had been based on lies, half-truths, innuendos, secrets and misleading information. As we were each lost in our own thoughts about what we'd learned, I started wondering, “if our family memories can no longer be relied on, how does that affect the basis of who we believe we are and how do we come to terms with the people who told us those lies, half-truths, innuendos, secrets and misleading information?" Have you ever asked yourself where your beliefs come from about who you are, what you're capable of or what you deserve to have? What limiting beliefs could you free yourself from and how would it change your life? Not everyone will have an experience of family secrets being revealed but every belief our adult-self has is based on something we were taught, experienced or intuited as children. All beliefs about who we are, both negative and positive, are formed between the ages of birth to twelve years of age. How much of what we believe about our childhood can be relied on as the truth for the choices we make as adults? As an adult, childhood memories can invoke something you’re trying to live up to or wish had never happened. Either way, we can’t go back and undo the past, or can we? If you think about it, the mind is like the attic of our life, full of outdated junk we no longer need but often hold onto because we have difficulty letting it go. What are the secrets in your attic? Are there beliefs your mind is holding onto that, if you let them go, could free you from the pain, struggle and challenges your adult-self is experiencing? Would "NOW" be the right time for you to let go of your limiting beliefs? Only you have the power to hold onto your limiting beliefs and only you have the power to let them go. Remember, Life Is All About Choices! Nancy Mueller Life Sensei  I don't know about you, but sometimes I find myself wondering "what's so special about me and how am I qualified to do what I do?"
It's not because I doubt my skills and abilities, it's because there are times when I think about where I thought I'd be at this stage of my life versus where I actually am. I've heard people ask the question, "if you could go back and talk with your younger self, what would you say?" But my answer is always the same, "there is no way my younger self would ever believe me if I told her what we would one day accomplish. She would not have believed what we're capable of because it was not our truth." I'll never forget the first time someone told me I am brilliant, talented and compassionate; because that was not my truth. That was not how I saw myself when I looked in the mirror or introduced myself to strangers. If I could not see the brilliance, talent or compassion within me, how could I believe anyone who was saying those words to me? I've come to realize my life is an expansion of who I am and who I've always been. The truth is, you don't know what you don't know. If someone tells you something that seems so far beyond what you believe to be true, it can be difficult or nearly impossible to believe it's possible. How could I possibly believe an older version of myself, telling me everything I've experienced has laid the groundwork to teach others because I feel compassion for what they've gone through or because they're going through something similar? How could that be true when I believed my value was based on my traumatic, hurtful, shameful, and degrading experiences? I believe when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I also believe we have many teachers but don't always recognize them for what they're here to teach us. An abusive parent can teach us we have no value, or that we will one day have the power to break the cycle of abuse. The person who victimizes us can teach us we are a victim or that being victimized does not make us a victim. The marriage that ended in divorce can teach us we failed or that we are now expanding into a higher understanding of who we are and what's possible in our life. The empty bank account can teach us that lack in any form is a reflection of how we feel about our self-worth and as our self-worth increases, so will our level of abundance and prosperity. The question then becomes, "what is your truth?" Do you believe yourself to be gorgeous, talented, fabulous and worthy of all the abundance and prosperity the Universe has to offer or do you believe yourself to be unworthy? When I was quite possibly at the lowest point of my life, my truth about who I believed I was, was making my life miserable. It wasn't until I chose to question what I believed to be true, that I could begin to see it was possible there might be some truth to what others could see in me. As my understanding of what I believed to be true shifted from unworthy to worthy, people and opportunities began to show up. There were people who guided me to write and publish my books, asked to feature me in their magazine, assisted me with my website, and even asked me to speak to their audiences or groups. Before I knew it, people were asking me, to teach them my process to understand their own truth. People could feel my compassion for what they were going through. My belief in their ability to choose a different truth about who they believe they are and what they're capable of was something they were ready to be true about their own life! There is one truth I believe that exists for everyone, you will never know what's so special about who you are and what you're qualified to do until and unless you're willing to understand why you believe what you believe and why you choose to make it your truth. Only then can you ask yourself, "is that true or have I made it my truth based on past experiences?" Remember, it's not what someone says to you that matters, it's what you believe about what they say. When you truly know yourself, your truth will be based on a foundation that you really are that special and qualified to live an abundant and prosperous life! Nancy Mueller Life Sensei  When my grandson, Anthony was born, we lived two blocks from Disneyland which seemed like the perfect reason to become season pass holders!
Disneyland was Anthony’s playground and I loved experiencing our time together through his eyes. When he was about seven or eight years old, as we were planning yet another trip to Disneyland, I suggested we walk instead of drive. I remember his astonishment as he asked, “Grammy, we can’t walk to Disneyland, it’s too far!” I asked him how he thought he could walk all day long throughout Disneyland but couldn’t manage to walk just two blocks to get there! He thought about it but didn’t have an answer so I asked him if he was up for a new adventure; walking to Disneyland instead of driving. He got excited when he thought of it in terms of an adventure so we started walking. During our walk, I would point out certain things to look at along the way and asked him if he’d ever noticed these things when we were in the car. As he started to catch on to what he was experiencing, he’d say, “ Grammy, look at this. When did they put this here? What do you think this is? Can I touch this? Let’s get a stick and poke it to see what’s underneath!” We talked about the adventure of our walk. He’d asked if it was dumb to walk because we could get there so much faster if we drove. I pointed out all the fun things he’d miss if we had driven and as young as he was, I could tell he understood that both driving and walking was a way to get from here to there but the adventure was about what happened along the way! Anthony is a grown man with a daughter of his own now. I often think of those adventures with Anthony when I’m traveling from here to there. When I’m walking, I remind myself to be mindful of what’s in front of me and not to make the walk about going out and getting back but what I experience along the way! Mindfulness is possible in the car as well; instead of always listening to music to pass the time, I ride in silence and notice what’s outside my window. When I’m working at my desk, I make time to step away and be mindful of my body; what does it need? Food, stretching, water, a change of scenery? We always have an opportunity to practice mindfulness but our self-talk often has a way of talking us out of it with thoughts like, “you have a deadline, you promised you’d do this today, people are counting on you, if you don’t finish, people will think you’re lazy and slacked off!” Mindfulness is impossible when we’re more concerned what others will think of us than what we think of ourselves. If this article has come into your awareness, I'd love to know how this message has inspired you to make time for mindfulness in your life! Nancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei  You've found that special person you think you could spend the rest of your life with. Now if only you could get him or her to change one or two things about himself, your relationship would be perfect.
You have a close friend that you enjoy spending time with but you're uncomfortable when he's around your other friends because his social skills leave a lot to be desired. You understand why your father was so hard on you while you were growing up but you can't bring yourself to share your success with him because what he put you through still hurts. You believe in the company you work for but your boss is unrelenting. You want to quit but you love the company and your co-workers. You feel powerless when it comes to making your boss understand how miserable he's making you feel at work. Your personal life feels out of control. You've read the self-help books, you repeat your affirmations every day and you know you have a lot to be grateful for. So why is it so hard for you to create the happiness you've heard is possible? If you believe your life would be a whole lot happier if the people around would change their behavior, you're never going to find the happiness you seek as long as you're expecting it to come from someone else. When you believe someone else has to change who they are before you can love who you are, you're setting yourself up for continual disappointment and unhappiness. Every person comes into our life as a gift or a lesson and a gift can be found in every lesson. If you need to learn to let go of anger, the Universe will gift you with someone who makes you angry. If you need to let go of low self-worth, the Universe will gift you with someone who makes you feel worthless. If you need to let go of the belief that nothing you have to say is worth listening to, the Universe will gift you with someone who makes you feel unheard. The good news is, how long you keep the person the Universe has gifted you with is your choice! The truth is, no one can make you FEEL anything; it's what you believe about their words and actions that are creating your reality. If someone tells you you're worthless, and you believe yourself to be worthless, you will see that person as the cause of your low self-esteem. When you're ready to stop feeling low self-esteem, you'll change what you believe to be true and that person will either disappear from your life or your relationship will become stronger and happier. Every one of us has the power to create happy relationships as soon as we realize how we give our power away to another person. This takes a commitment to self-love and believing in who we are. This takes commitment on our part to master our beliefs about who we are and what we believe we're capable of. If you want to create happy relationships, start with the relationship you have with your self. Who do you believe you are? What do you believe your capable of? When do you feel most empowered and what is your daily practice to stay in your power? How do you determine your value? Where do you see future-self (if you don't have a daily practice of empowerment, you'll find yourself creating your future from your past). Creating happy relationships is easy when you yourself are happy. When you feel happy, you share your happiness with others. When you feel less than happy, the Universe will gift you with experiences that feed your unhappiness. Your feelings are the key to everything; feelings are a vibration; the vibration you send out will be returned to you on that same vibrational frequency. This will never change because it's Universal Law; the Law of Attraction. If you're ready to create happy relationships, start with your vibration. Pay attention to your thoughts and know what you're feeling at all times. Pay attention to how you feel in every situation and around other people. When you feel your vibration being lowered, only you can choose to allow it to happen or refuse to allow it to happen. Be the change you want to experience in your life; every happy relationship begins with YOU! Nancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei  As a child, I knew nothing of Universal Law, the Law of Attraction, energy or how life was supposed to work.
My soul chose this life, I chose to be born to experience love, feel loved and share this love with others. Thus began my karmic contract to choose experiences that would allow me to experience the contrast of love, to hide my light, to walk in the pain of not knowing love until, if I chose to, I could let love in. I chose parents who would teach me what it felt like to be emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abused before the age of 12. I chose parents and experiences to diminish my energy while feeling threatened, always fearing when something bad would happen to me; I learned to dim my light so others could shine. The dimmer my light became, I the farther away from love I walked. I walked away from love, until it became easier to pretend it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what someone else forced upon me because it got easier and easier to believe I didn’t matter. And that’s where I found my strength, in the belief that I did not matter. That’s also where I found my sadness. How could I not matter? What was wrong with me? What kind of God looks down on me, watching me, sits in judgment of me and always finds me lacking? That didn’t feel like love to me. I would ask myself, “Why should I be good when others aren’t good to me? Who is going to save me from the very people who are supposed to be here to protect me? What is it about me, that makes others so angry with me that they are unable to see anything worth loving? I became passive, full of self-pity and completely at the mercy of those who only wanted to do me harm. When no amount of attempting to play on their sympathies could invoke the love I was searching for, I learned to endure. I endured. I endured until I was old enough to explode against the violence and fight aggression with aggression. I learned to go to extreme measures to get the attention and the love I was searching for. I learned to become the aggressor. I wanted to right the wrongs that I believed had been done to me. The day came when I wanted to teach other women how they could right their own wrongs. I followed that path until being the aggressor no longer held any satisfaction for me. I couldn’t understand why vengeance no longer satisfied the anger that was still buried deep within me; the anger that would always find a way to hijack my thoughts, my words, my emotions and my actions. When vengeance and being the aggressor no longer felt satisfying, I longed for another way to heal the hurt, the anger, the shame, the guilt and the underlying feeling of being judged for my past. I had many teachers in my life; teachers who taught me I was helpless and would always be a victim, teachers who taught me how to fight back. Then I found teachers who taught me that fighting would never bring me the peace of mind I was searching for, and they were the most difficult teachers to learn from. They were teaching me to look inside myself, to find the love of who I am. But I didn’t believe it existed, I couldn’t because the rage inside of me was too strong. Once again, I became the aggressor as I raged against these teachers of love. I tried to prove them wrong. I tried to prove to them that there was nothing in me worth saving and because of that, I had a right to be angry, to accuse, to fight. Gradually, I began to understand what love is not. Love is not hurt. Love is not anger. Love is not violence. Love is not guilt. Love is not shame. Love is not vengeance. When I finally accepted what love is not, I was able to open my heart to what love is. Love is kindness. Love is happiness. Love is joy. Love is abundance. Love is prosperity. Love is looking in the mirror and being happy with who you see. Love makes it possible for you to receive your heart’s desires. So, remember this, before you can know love, you must learn what love is not. You are the only one who has the power to let go of the hurt if you’re ready to choose love. Nancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei  I was so excited; he was finally coming over for a visit!
The last time we were together, I thought I had ruined everything between the two of us, but the very fact that he was coming over told me I had worried for nothing! I decided to make my famous “blonde brownies!” Well, they were famous among my siblings, but to be honest, I think my brothers would have eaten anything I baked for them! The brownies were cooling in the kitchen and I could hardly wait for him to arrive; everything was going to be OK! As I sat in the living room, eagerly anticipating his arrival, I thought back to the last time we were together and why I thought I had ruined everything. He had invited me to spend time with him while he babysit for the neighbors. After the kids had gone to bed, he turned on some music, then he turned to me and said, “when this song is over, it will be time for you to make your move.” Make my move? What did that even mean; what moves? As the song got closer to the end, I felt myself start to panic. What was I supposed to do? I had no idea; so, I just sat there and smiled at him. When the song was over, he said, “times up” what are you going to do next?” I’m sure I said something absolutely brilliant and romantic like, “I don’t know, what do you want me to do?” What I remember more than anything was the disappointment I felt for not knowing what to do and that’s when I started crying. It felt like everything I had been holding inside of me was coming out with my tears and I couldn’t even talk. I just sat there and cried until the parents came home, paid him for babysitting, and we drove away in silence. The opportunity had passed, whatever was supposed to happen, didn’t happen. But now, everything was going to be OK, because I had made my famous brownies! When he finally arrived, he didn’t exactly look happy to see me, so I led him to the couch and ran to get the brownies. When I proudly held the brownies up for his inspection, he just looked at me and said, “I don’t want any brownies, I can’t stay. I just came here to tell you that we can’t see each other anymore.” I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach and as I was holding back the tears, I asked him why? His words hit me like a blow to the stomach, as he told me that his parents had high hopes and dreams for him, and they didn’t see me as an asset to his future. And then he left. I wanted him to come back so I could explain about the night we babysat together. But I knew that even if he came back, I wouldn’t be able to tell him. How was I supposed to tell him that he was my knight in shining armor and I had hoped he would carry me away from the awful secrets I was being forced to keep? How was I supposed to explain the ugly secret I’d been keeping for the past three years? How was I supposed to tell him that my father had threatened me within an inch of my life if I dared to ever tell anyone about the ongoing sexual abuse he had forced me to endure? As I stood there, looking down at my pan of brownies, I suddenly became very aware of everything that was wrong with me. I didn’t have any moves! I wasn’t an asset to anyone’s future. I was trying and failing to fit in at the 12th school in nine years. I had no one to talk to and my mother was an expert at letting me know she could hardly stand the sight of me. Even when she did talk to me it was only to tell me that I was worthless and that I would never amount to anything. What was wrong with me that even my own mother hated me? Once again, I questioned the reason I’d ever been born. Something told me my famous blonde brownies would never be special again. My 15-year old self could not see my value, I could only see what I thought was wrong with me. That’s the day I stopped making my famous brownies, because they only made me relive the feelings and emotions from that night. That night became the story that I would share with myself and others to explain why I always felt so sad, how miserable I was, how unloved I was, how unworthy I was and why I had no self-worth. Until one day I learned it was possible to go beyond my story, and I learned to start questioning my beliefs about my self-worth. Once I started asking questions, I also stopped living in fear and keeping the secrets that others threatened me not to tell! As I discovered that my beliefs about myself and others were open for debate, I started questioning other things I had been taught to believe. I also learned that the fear of what would happen if I stopped keeping secrets was not real. I discovered I’d been taught so many beliefs that were based on lies, half-truths and fears! Like the belief that my mother hated the sight of me; I had that one wrong. I learned that she knew what my father was doing to me but didn’t have the resources or the mental strength to deal with it, so she just kept quiet. But the sight of me brought her so much shame that she couldn’t stand to look at me. As children, we can only learn based on what we’re taught by our parents or those people who are closest to us. We believe what they teach us and then we go on to form our beliefs about what we can or cannot do – until we learn to question those beliefs. We can’t go back and change the events, but we can learn how the feelings and emotions from those events are feeding into our adult beliefs and how they're creating more beliefs that turn into limiting beliefs, impostor beliefs and beliefs about what we can and cannot do. When we master those beliefs, the stories we’ve told for so long begin to change. They stop being stories of sadness, anger or feeling like a victim. The stories then become the very credentials of who we came here to be. We stop believing that we could never be an asset to someone else’s future! And when our beliefs change, the thoughts we think change, the words we use change and the doors that we thought were closed to us are suddenly flung wide open with unlimited possibilities! Because there’s no greater feeling in the world than when someone tells you, “you can’t do that” and you can confidently turn to them and say, “Wanna bet? Just watch me!” After that, brownies are just something delicious to eat! Nancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei |
AuthorNancy Mueller ~ Life Sensei Archives
May 2023
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